Long ago and far away, when we were young and excited and could all laugh at one another, April 1 was always a special day at the Beer Yard website (as it was and still is for many others), and as part of retelling our craft beer history in the Nostalgia Series, I figured some laughs would be more than appropriate. And so here we go, back to April 1, 2007 and the stories that appeared that morning. Two of the imaginary characters I created for this blog to provide for my own and the readers’ enjoyment were the focus. After all, I had intellectual property rights to both.
Bryson Finds The Apple Of His Eye
After celebrating the session-ness of session beers, famous writer moves on to ciders
Lew Bryson, the acclaimed drinks writer who has taken the nation by storm with his “Reamed with a Glass” website celebrating the session-ness of session beers, told Beer Yard correspondent Dan Bengel this week that he has found a new calling. “I think the world is ready to hear me expound on session cider,” Bryson announced. “I really believe I can become the Johnny Appleseed of my generation.”
Bengel had has become close to the writer in recent weeks by functioning as his “event guru,” making the brief, exclusive interview possible. It took place at an undisclosed location where Bryson is in hiding, hoping to stay out of the reach of a professional hit team reportedly hired by Dogfish Head’s Sam Calagione and Russian River’s Vinnie Cilurzo to “express our extreme displeasure with his wanton and un-American attacks on extreme beers.” Port Brewing’s Tomme Arthur, in a email message to the Beer Yard within the hour, confirmed that the hit has been contracted, adding that “hey, I wanted to be in on that action too, but it seemed best to leave it to the Italian guys.”
The Beer Yard’s team of news analysts has concluded that, given the threats to his well-being, Bryson’s highly publicized weight loss campaign of recent months was probably not a health measure at all, but rather an attempt to change his appearance “and be able to run faster” before he embarked on his quixotic crusade.
Local Man Cited By Comedy Central For Performance “Above And Beyond All Reason”
Guy on a barstool clogs up the internet, doesn’t care
Comedy Central’s Jokes.com website has declared today “Richard Ruch Day,” according to a news release sent to the Beer Yard. “The man is responsible for over 10,000 hits on our site every day, most of them from him,” said a spokesman. “This is the least we could do.”
Ruch, a resident of Downingtown whose official address is “that stool at the corner of the bar, Victory Brewing Company,” is well known for seeking out the world’s worst jokes and firing them off to thousands of people around the world several times a day. The task keeps him too busy to sit for an interview, he told Bengel, but he also assured him that anyone who emails him at www.victoryshill.com will immediately be added to his email list and begin receiving jokes within the hour.
Taking a position that most spammers at least pretend to reject, Ruch says proudly that “once I have your name, you are fair game.” No one, no matter how long and hard he or she has tried, has ever been able to get off his mailing list. “This and beer are all I got,” he says in defense, “and I’m not giving up either one. They will have to pry my keyboard from my cold dead fingers.”SHARE