The Nostalgia Series: Every Day Is April Fool’s Day (Beer Yard 2010 – 2011)

Long ago and far away, when we were young and excited and could all laugh at one another, April 1 was always a special day at the Beer Yard website (as it was and still is for many others), and as part of retelling our craft beer history in the Nostalgia Series, I figured some laughs would be more than appropriate.

This is the final April Fool’s installment. I hope you got a few good laughs out of it all.

Flying Fish Pulls the Plug on Exit Series

Using a high class line of beers to remind people about the Jersey Turnpike was a “truly bad idea,” owner Gene Muller now says

Flying Fish Brewing Co. is exiting its Exit Series of beer.

The brewing program named big new beers from the Cherry Hill brewery after exits on the New Jersey Turnpike, a concept developed by founder Gene Muller.

“I don’t know what the hell he was thinking,” head brewer Casey Hughes acknowledged. “Why would you do that? Who wants to be reminded? Everybody, I mean everybody, hates the Jersey Turnpike.

The end of Exit does not mean Flying Fish will no longer celebrate its home state, Hughes promised. “We are going to honor our cultural and intellectual achievements instead,” he said. “Look for Snookie Double Bitter and The Situation Imperial Barleywine to be released later this year. We will be packaging them in Forties because that just seems right.”

In related news, Stephen Mashington of Yards Brewery in Philadelphia said that the Flying Fish cancellations have made them rethink a planned series which would have been named in honor of exits from the Schuylkill Expressway. “If everybody hates the Jersey Turnpike, they absolutely loath the Expressway,” he said. “And they can’t spell it either. If we went ahead with that idea, I swear I’d start to feel like a red-headed stepchild.”

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World’s Oldest Beer Discovered For Umpteenth Time

This time it’s for real, says U of P scientist as he announces his discovery of reside from goblets once used by Adam and Eve

Scientists and historians around the world were stunned last week by a bombshell announcement from Biomolecular Archeologist Dr. Patrick McGovern of the University of Pennsylvania.

McGovern, author of Uncorking the Past and a frequent collaborator with Dogfish Head Brewing Company in recreating ancient beverages, revealed that he had discovered residue of “the world’s first beer” at an undisclosed location which he said had been the site of the Garden of Eden. Furthermore, he argued, one of the basic tenets of the world’s oldest story seems to have been distorted over the years.

“Based on my evidence,” McGovern told his peers at a professional gathering, “the serpent did not tempt Eve with an apple but with a bland and tasteless macro-lager. Adam and Eve had been having a fine old time just lounging around naked and drinking this good craft beer before that; once she had the macro, she became ashamed, started wearing clothes and everything went downhill from there.”

Eve’s donning of clothing was “apparently a sad moment,” McGovern added. “We also managed to piece together fragments of Adam’s diary and he described her as a real fox. The again, he could have just been wearing beer goggles.”

Dogfish Head will attempt to recreate the ancient beverage as they have earlier McGovern discoveries. Owner Sam Calagione admitted that “we will only be able to produce about a single growler because of the rarity of the ingredients, so virtually no one will ever get to taste it. But this is not just a publicity stunt, as I will explain in my book and video about the project.”

Calagione also announced that he hoped to brew the new/old beer in collaboration with the Original Brewer. “We’re in negotiations,” he acknowledged. “The big hang up seems to be whether we’ll do it at our place or His.”

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PLCB Bans “Beers With Difficult Names” From PA Shelves

Brewers have an obligation not to confuse agency inspectors, agency says

A spokesperson for the Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board said this morning that “brewers have been abusing the registration system by coming up with names that are too hard for us to deal with” and that a new directive will be issued to solve the problem.

Arguing that the PLCB was blameless in recent raids on Philadelphia taverns and wholesalers wherein beers which were on the registration list were seized nonetheless “because it was just too confusing,” the spokesperson told a Harrisburg radio station that “brewers have an obligation to give their beers clear, simple names that our inspectors have heard before and can figure out, preferably names of one syllable or less.”

Starting in April, he said, the PLCB will reject registration for any beer that doesn’t meet that standard. “If we can’t spell it, we don’t want in Pennsylvania. Why are brewers making so many beers anyway? What about the children?”

Asked how beers from other countries would be treated under the new standards, he added that “actually, we’re also going to be banning foreign beers pretty much across the board. If beer was meant to come from places like Belgium, Germany and England, that would have been written into the original law.”

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